Good Grief...

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
― Pema Chödrön

I've had a great week--amazing sessions with wonderful clients, I posted some songs for my soon-to-be-released album to rave reviews, I finished up with a program that I've been planning for 10 months, I crossed a lot of things off of my to-do list--and yet, here I find myself facing unexpected grief; and it's incredibly painful.

In January, I ended the most significant relationship of my life thus far. I made that choice with great love and care and reluctance, and of course, I have done a lot of processing and have felt a large array of feelings since making that choice. I've missed him in my life and have also blossomed and grown and expanded in ways that I could only do on my own. It has been incredibly painful to see him hurting and I've certainly had a lot of opportunity to practice what it means to not be responsible for another's state of being. I've also had a lot of opportunity to explore what it means to have healthy boundaries in my life, and it's been both painful and liberating as I stay grounded in my self-care. 

And then it happened--I discovered some news yesterday that made jealousy and deep grief hit me smack in the middle of my face.  Jealousy, that nasty little bugger, came into my grounded world and knocked me right over. Suddenly all of these thoughts flooded into my head--judgements about him, assumptions about his choices, missing him and being frustrated with him simultaneously, anger and deep dislike for the other person who seems to have entered into the picture. Our thoughts can make us crazy, sometimes even violent, versions of ourselves, can they not? So there I was feeling all of those emotions that none of us want to feel, and after I had a good cry, I started to question my thoughts.

The truth is, that underneath that whole big, painful reaction, was my own grief and loneliness staring me in the face. Had I not questioned my thoughts and turned them around, I could have found myself needing to chase after him, tell him I miss him, try to come to some sort of understanding that has been eluding us for months, all the while hoping to hear that he still loves me just as much. The truth is that it's not HIS love and approval I've been needing, and he has every right to pursue whatever life that he wants for himself. When I turned around my judging thoughts about him and the situation, I found my own conflicting feelings about being "alone" right now.  I found myself remembering my choice to be alone right now and all of the ways that choice is serving me. I found myself also remembering how nice it is to have a partner to share my life with--something that I have not felt for some time now and an awareness that makes me feel sad and excited as I prepare myself to start dating again.  I found myself thinking of my former partner with deep love and appreciation, and also sadness for what is no longer between us. I found myself wanting him to be happy. I found myself wanting me to be happy.

Had I not stopped to realize that it was not him that I needed or him that was causing this reaction within me, I never would have come to these important conclusions about myself. In my passion for my work I can get so caught up in my projects that I leave little time for my other relationships, and the discovery that I made about my loneliness in those moments has reminded me of the continued need for balance in my life. Today, I still feel the grief, and I miss my friend and partner; however, I also feel surrounded by love and nurturing because I took the time to see past my abusive thoughts. I gave myself the attention that I felt I had lost from him.  I became my own significant other, and I connected with my amazing best friend of 18 years who helped to remind me once again of how not alone that I am. Grief is good when we allow ourselves to feel it, to let it cleanse us and heal us...it is good when we recognize that it is our unquestioned thoughts that make it so unbearable, when we allow it to become our friend.

To learn more about how you can practice questioning your own thoughts, click here: http://bit.ly/n4Jzuf

With Love and Gratitude,

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson