Trust: That Scary 5-Letter Word, Part 2

A couple of weeks ago, I blogged about the challenges, rewards, the what's and the how's of trusting in Life's mysterious unfoldings as we co-create our lives. If you didn't catch that one you can take a look here. This week, I want to address another aspect of trust: trust within our relationships.

I hear it all of the time. I've uttered these words. You've uttered these words. "I don't know if I can TRUST him/her." "I'm looking for someone I can TRUST." "You broke my TRUST." One of the biggest misconceptions in our relationships with other people and ultimately, in our relationship with ourselves, is the notion that we can place trust in other people, and that it's reasonable to expect that you will "never let me down."

When I find myself saying "I don't trust you," what I'm really reflecting is a lack of trust for myself and in our beautiful. loving Universe. You, oh dear beautiful soul whose thoughts and actions are way out of my control (thank goodness), can just go on being you and doing your thing because well, it's your job to be you and do your thing. If you're human, like me, you have probably hurt or disappointed people before despite your amazingly good intentions, and you've probably been hurt and disappointed in return. And that is just it: when we enter relationships with the expectation that we will never do anything to hurt or disappoint one another we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. As long as I enter my relationships from a place of expectation that you will do and be who I want and "need" you to be, I'm setting myself up for a very interesting and not always fun ride.

So, if I can't trust you, and you can't trust me, then who the heck can we trust?! Before we go growling at each other and letting our hair stand up on end, I have exciting news: My job is to trust me, and your job is to trust you. What does that mean? It means that no matter what you do, no matter what you say, if you stay or if you go, I know that I can handle it. If I fear abandonment, then I know that what I really want, deep down, is that I never leave myself, that I listen to and act in accordance with my inner voice, that I choose to be honest with both you and me, and that I make all kinds of yummy time to love and be kind to myself.  My soul longs for me to know that the Universe is a kind and loving place that is always providing me with exactly what I need--even when it appears that you are not.

When we enter our relationships from this place of trust, knowing that we are loved by every process unfolding and that we can meet ourselves from a place of love, respect, presence and care, we release each other from the burden of being anything other that who we already are. That's when the love flows in and we discover more juicy goodness than we ever could have imagined with our measly, expecting minds. We discover and create the freedom that comes with true acceptance. So much better than crazy attempts at mind-control, no?

Your assignment: I invite you to notice the ways in which you can feel fear and mistrust in your relationships. Now, I invite you to turn it around and take a gentle look at yourself. In what ways are you being someone you can't trust? In what ways do you "leave" or hurt yourself sometimes? What are some ways that you can strengthen your sense of trust in yourself? 

Nurturing self-love is my dealio, so if you would like some support and need some objective help in seeing those places that you're not loving and trusting so much in yourself (we all need this help sometimes), I would LOVE to create a safe space for us to discover and create together. Contact me at anytime to schedule a free consult. AND if you read this and find that you have a specific question for me--go ahead and submit your question to my Ask the JoyDiva™ blog. You get to be anonymous to readers AND partner with me in sharing goodness.

Much love to you!

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are!

Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here: www.joydiva.com

Visit my Q&A blog and get your Life, Relationship and Spiritual Questions answered:  www.askthejoydiva.com

©2012 Melissa Simonson

Honesty that heals...

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” 

― Pema Chödrön

Today is an interesting day filled with many mixed emotions. I've been in a state of grief for the last few days as I continue to process the end of a very significant relationship in my life. One of the most challenging things about grief, primarily in the depression stage, is how difficult that it is to "keep on keepin' on." I've found myself struggling not to isolate, struggling to maintain my healthy routines, even things as simple as washing my face or brushing my teeth before bed. A voice inside of my head says, "Just let me off the hook. I just want to wallow in the emptiness that I feel." If there is anything that I've learned in my 30 years; however, it's that the BEST thing to do for myself is to continue to practice self-care, especially the little things. I've also learned that I have to be authentic, which is why I'm blogging about this. Pretending to be "ok" when I'm not is like taking a knife to the existing wound and making it deeper. Honesty takes a big old flashlight to the darkness of grief and releases the shame, guilt and self-loathing that can often hide in its hidden cracks and corners. Every time I write or speak about the truth of where I am, I shed another layer of the pain.  I remind myself that I actually am ok, that I will get through this and as Pema so delicately puts it above, that right now, I "feel like a piece of shit" and that's ok, too.

It's easy to isolate during times of grief because of the pressure to be happy--in my line of work, I can be tremendously hard on myself with this. I can feel like I always have to have something happy to say, something inspiring, that somehow people are relying on me to be happy. I have certainly had a party questioning those thoughts! Whew! This morning, I sang in the choir at my church, and while I wanted to avoid the question of "How are you?" at all costs, I found that it was nice to simply be real with people, and I found myself amongst compassionate friends, amongst community.  That experience of the collective around me was an important piece in unraveling one of the cornerstones of my grief: "that I am all alone." Did that experience take all of the pain away? No, but it did pull me out of my suffering long enough to remember that there is a great big world out their that exists outside of my head. While I find it helpful in many ways to grieve in private, I find that part of the vigilance of living an honest life lies in choosing not to hide from the shame that accompanies sadness. I find it to be an important part of recognizing and embracing my humanity. God forbid that I'm just a mere mortal! :)  I've been playing with the following statement a lot lately:

"I have found that I'm not as 'good' as I thought or as 'bad' as I feared. I am not heroine or villain. I am living with my actual self & seeing what that is. Neither idealizing nor being idealized. It is more painful than I had imagined. Also more dimensional. I find myself stumbling hand in hand w/ forgiveness as a much closer entity." ~ SARK from Prosperity Pie

Part of my grief experience has been recognizing that I'm not angel nor am I demon--my ego wants to pendulum swing between the two so that I'm either elated or filled with self-loathing.  Part of losing a relationship and the grief that accompanies it is feeling like an unworthy, unlovable person--we see ourselves as the villain that must be undeserving of love.  The truth is that we are glorious, messy, imperfect, human beings and lovable no matter what. This is my work now: to continue to come back to that place of truth about myself. I've found myself singing the song I wrote last year called It's Alright, that will be on my upcoming album "Be a Light:"

"It's Alright. It's Alright. It's plain to see we're only human. When we forgive ourselves, and love despite our frailities, we are divine." 

(You can take a listen here, if you'd like: http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_10626711)

Despite the urge to hide or simply be a bum who stares at the wall all day arrested by my painful thoughts, I am continuing to care for my body, and to care for my tender spirit through reflection and forgiveness. Though it all feels like monotony to me right now, each little act is feeding my spirit love and restoring my strength and belief in life's goodness.  

With Love,

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson

Good Grief...

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
― Pema Chödrön

I've had a great week--amazing sessions with wonderful clients, I posted some songs for my soon-to-be-released album to rave reviews, I finished up with a program that I've been planning for 10 months, I crossed a lot of things off of my to-do list--and yet, here I find myself facing unexpected grief; and it's incredibly painful.

In January, I ended the most significant relationship of my life thus far. I made that choice with great love and care and reluctance, and of course, I have done a lot of processing and have felt a large array of feelings since making that choice. I've missed him in my life and have also blossomed and grown and expanded in ways that I could only do on my own. It has been incredibly painful to see him hurting and I've certainly had a lot of opportunity to practice what it means to not be responsible for another's state of being. I've also had a lot of opportunity to explore what it means to have healthy boundaries in my life, and it's been both painful and liberating as I stay grounded in my self-care. 

And then it happened--I discovered some news yesterday that made jealousy and deep grief hit me smack in the middle of my face.  Jealousy, that nasty little bugger, came into my grounded world and knocked me right over. Suddenly all of these thoughts flooded into my head--judgements about him, assumptions about his choices, missing him and being frustrated with him simultaneously, anger and deep dislike for the other person who seems to have entered into the picture. Our thoughts can make us crazy, sometimes even violent, versions of ourselves, can they not? So there I was feeling all of those emotions that none of us want to feel, and after I had a good cry, I started to question my thoughts.

The truth is, that underneath that whole big, painful reaction, was my own grief and loneliness staring me in the face. Had I not questioned my thoughts and turned them around, I could have found myself needing to chase after him, tell him I miss him, try to come to some sort of understanding that has been eluding us for months, all the while hoping to hear that he still loves me just as much. The truth is that it's not HIS love and approval I've been needing, and he has every right to pursue whatever life that he wants for himself. When I turned around my judging thoughts about him and the situation, I found my own conflicting feelings about being "alone" right now.  I found myself remembering my choice to be alone right now and all of the ways that choice is serving me. I found myself also remembering how nice it is to have a partner to share my life with--something that I have not felt for some time now and an awareness that makes me feel sad and excited as I prepare myself to start dating again.  I found myself thinking of my former partner with deep love and appreciation, and also sadness for what is no longer between us. I found myself wanting him to be happy. I found myself wanting me to be happy.

Had I not stopped to realize that it was not him that I needed or him that was causing this reaction within me, I never would have come to these important conclusions about myself. In my passion for my work I can get so caught up in my projects that I leave little time for my other relationships, and the discovery that I made about my loneliness in those moments has reminded me of the continued need for balance in my life. Today, I still feel the grief, and I miss my friend and partner; however, I also feel surrounded by love and nurturing because I took the time to see past my abusive thoughts. I gave myself the attention that I felt I had lost from him.  I became my own significant other, and I connected with my amazing best friend of 18 years who helped to remind me once again of how not alone that I am. Grief is good when we allow ourselves to feel it, to let it cleanse us and heal us...it is good when we recognize that it is our unquestioned thoughts that make it so unbearable, when we allow it to become our friend.

To learn more about how you can practice questioning your own thoughts, click here: http://bit.ly/n4Jzuf

With Love and Gratitude,

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson

Are you being Selfish...or SOUL-fish?

In teaching self-love and supporting my clients as they fill their lives with healthy self-love practices, it is not uncommon that I'm faced with the question, "But isn't choosing myself, selfish?" In our society that lauds giving and struggles with receiving it can certainly FEEL like pursuing our own happiness is selfish, can it not? It is also not uncommon that when my clients start more fully advocating for and creating what they want and need in their lives that their loved ones lash out with the statement, "You're being selfish!" Yikes! How does one deal with that?!

The truth is there is a very clear difference between selfishness and practicing self-love or what a friend of mine likes to call SOULFISHNESS. Selfishness is when we ask another to change or do something other than what he or she is doing in order to make us happy. We can certainly express if something is not working for us--giving others information as to what is pleasing to us is a great thing; however, when we place our ability to be happy on the actions of another, we are not only setting ourselves and our relationships up to fail, we are also asking a GREAT deal of our partners, friends, family, etc. Soulfishness is when we choose to act in accordance with what will make us happy, DESPITE the possible unpleasant reactions of others. It is not your job to make others happy, nor is it others' job to make YOU happy.  When you choose what you need for yourself instead of looking to others to feed you, you are giving the most loving gift that you can to all of your relationships, including your primary relationship with yourself. So often when others say, "You are being selfish!" in response to a decision to do your own thing, focus on yourself, make a change that you need to in your life, it is THEM behaving selfishly because they are expecting you to do something that does not serve you in order to "make them happy." That external idea of happiness is always an illusion...relying on others whims to make us happy? Whew. What a miserable existence that is. It's wonderful to have compassion when you see someone creating suffering by not being in alignment with what is, and compassion never means saying yes when you mean no!  Being patient with another persons' reaction and listening from a place of love is a beautiful thing if that serves you; however you do not need anyone's approval to be who you are or do what you need to do for yourself.

I once had a client ask me "What do I do when nurturing myself is in direct conflict with another (their joy, their needs, etc) how do you resolve that? How do you balance that?"  My response to that is that "a direct conflict" between needs is an illusion unless it comes down to saving your life or your child's, period. If someone else wants you to go to a football game or concert or watch his/her kids, etc, and the voice inside you is saying, "No, I really would just love to stay home or do something else, etc," it is your job to listen to that voice and honor it, and it is the other person's job to decide how he/she wants to react to that choice. There is no such thing as needs being in conflict. I take care of me and you take care of you and loving each other means that we allow each other to be who we are--true unconditional love allows the freedom to pursue that which brings us joy. My happiness is not in conflict with your happiness. It is also not contingent upon your happiness. You can choose to tell a joyful story about your experience at any moment just as I can. Our happiness was meant to co-exist, not to depend on our take away from one another.  It is an illusion to think that if we pursue our own joy that someone else will be unhappy as a result of that choice. Others can react in an unhappy manner, but the beauty is that they get to choose their reaction just as we all do!  Let's choose joy, shall we?

So, honor those inner yes's and no's knowing that when you choose to be soulfish, you create the opportunity for your loved ones to authentically meet their own needs as well. Everybody wins when we take care of ourselves. Everybody. Imagine a world in which everyone fed their joy, a world in which everyone pursued that which made them happy instead of going around complaining about how unhappy everyone else is making them--there would be no need to hoard resources and wealth, create wars, cheat on our partners...the list could go on and on. By practicing soulfishness, you are one person closer to creating that world. Kind of cool to think that you can get the party started, huh?  

If you find yourself having conflict between choosing self and meeting the needs of others, I have a FREE JoyDiva™ Celebration call coming up on Thursday, October 27 at 7pm Central / 8pm Eastern that is perfect for you!  We are going to illuminate some of the ways that you can start identifying when you are being soulfish vs. selfish and what you can do about that to create more joy, confidence and thriving relationships in your life. Click here to sign up and get the details: http://eepurl.com/goExX

Love and Blessings to you!

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson

Everything I do has to be perfect...Is that true?

Today I write from the place of asking myself, "Why am I SO stressed out?!"  Sometimes, I can find myself slipping into these unidentifiable bouts of anxiety and overwhelm, and I literally feel as if even the air around me is adding weight to my tired shoulders.  

Yes, I have A LOT going on right now--I tend to juggle a lot of "jobs" in one and have many upcoming deadlines to meet while I embark on constant new territory. Yes, on the outset, this can clearly be causing stress, but when I scratch beneath the surface, I see something deeper going on here. It's one thing to be busy doing a lot of things that I love--that's just joyous to me, and is not inherently stressful, even if I'm quite busy.  It's another thing entirely when I take a look at all of the self-talk that is accompanying all of this busy-ness.  It's the self-talk that is making the air around me feel heavy and is giving me this general sense of dread as I approach of these tasks. It's the self-talk that in it's desire to keep me from failing is making me feel like a failure before I even begin!

I've been playing a lot lately with "The Work" of Byron Katie. Katie teaches us that we create suffering for ourselves when we unconsciously believe our thoughts. I love all that I do with JoyDiva™--my one-on-one coaching, sharing my music, retreats, teleclasses, and the many other things I do as I earn a living and beyond. What causes me suffering is when I start to believe the thought in my head that everything I do has to be "perfect," that there are hundreds, THOUSANDS of people counting on me to get it right, and I'm simply going to disappoint all of them. Yikes!  Heavy stuff isn't it? Who the heck can have a good time doing what he or she "loves" while buying into to all of that painful banter?! I know I certainly am not.

The fun part is that I've had a moment of enlightenment. I've caught myself in the act of sabotaging myself, and now, I have the opportunity to question those thoughts and discover what REALLY is true. Katie teaches us how to question our thoughts by asking 4 questions and a turnaround. Here's what that looks like when I question my own thought, "Everything that I do has to be perfect":

1) Is that true?

Well, no, it's not true, even though it FEELS like it is true right now. No one has ACTUALLY said to me in my life that I have to be perfect. No one in my life has actually SAID to me that I'm a disappointment or have disappointed them (well, barring my mom when I was 16 and intentionally breaking my curfew to hang out with some guy...but that's another story. :)

2) Can I absolutely know that it's true?

No, I cannot--there are plenty of circumstances in which I've experienced it not being true.

3) Who am I, how do I react, when I believe that thought?

I'm frickin' stressed out! I hold back from saying how I really feel. I'm heavy and serious instead of my usual playful, happy self. I take what people say or don't say personally because I believe that they are judging me and that blocks intimacy in both personal and professional relationships. I am mistrusting and struggle to receive when people give me positive feedback. My mind is so constantly consumed with "trying to do the 'right' thing" that I can hardly even enjoy the moment. I feel like it's not ok to be ME.

4) Who would I be without that thought?

Holy Moly! I would feel so free! I would be open and sharing and I would dive into new things with total abandon. When I have a lot of work to do, I would simply get to work and enjoy the process. I would let myself take breaks and feel satisfied with what I create. When I perform, I would laugh at myself when I "make a mistake." I would be playful and real. I would simply be ME. It would be incredibly liberating.

The next step is what Katie calls a "Turnaround." If I were to turn the thought, "Everything that I do has to be perfect," that might look like:

1) Everything that I do is already perfect. Is that true?

Yes, in many ways it is!  "Perfect" doesn't ACTUALLY exist, so when I am being me and doing what I love, and even when it's really messy--ESPECIALLY when it's messy, that is exactly what it needs to be for all involved.  When I allow whatever needs to unfold in the moment simply to unfold, it is unfolding in the perfect right time for exactly the right people, including myself.

2) Everything that other people do has to be perfect. Is that true?

Yes, in some ways it is when I think about the high expectations that I can have of my loved ones. When I believe that I have to be perfect, I can put a lot of pressure on the people around me to do the same. I can project my own self-loathing onto the people who I love in my life when I see them not saying and doing what I want them to. I make this thought true with my high expectations.

3) Everything that I do does not have to be perfect. Is that true?

Yes! It is very true. I feel so much happier when I am simply being myself and being loving toward the people around me. The truth is that my clients, fans, friends and family members love me EVEN more when I am not trying so hard to be perfect--the best part is that they love me know matter what. I can even remember someone coming up to me after a gig and telling me how much she loved a song that I played when I made a mistake and giggled at myself--she said that it made it more real, and more beautiful.  

And so, there you have it: This thought that I've been buying into, that has been causing me all of this suffering and stress is not actually true. It is liberating, and comforting to make this realization, AND I feel WAY less stressed out. Whew! I'm grateful to myself for taking the time to walk through this thought exercise and incredibly grateful to Byron Katie for sharing her wonderful work in the world. Now I can go eat and truly enjoy my lunch. :)

To learn more about Byron Katie, her books, and programs, visit: http://www.thework.com/index.php

If you are looking for a coach with realness and humor to help you cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself, I would be honored to explore that with you. As I continue on my self-love journey, I love nothing more than helping other women see themselves as the completely loveable, perfectly imperfect beings that they are...and to help them CELEBRATE in that fact.  


Oh Yes, and before I go eat my lunch...:), I want to make sure that you know about the FREE JoyDiva™ Celebration call that is happening next week--If you like what you found in this blog, I've got even more goodies to share with you on the call: 

First FREE JoyDiva Celebration call Date and Time: Thursday, October 6, 7pm Central / 8pm Eastern. (This first call will be 30 minutes in length.)

 Sign up here: http://eepurl.com/fWD89

Love and Blessings to you.

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson

Taking Space in Our Relationships

I love the healing and growth that can come out of taking space from people sometimes...even when that space needs to last for years...and the cool discoveries that can happen when we reconnect. A wise woman I know once said to me, "You can love anyone from a certain distance, and you just need to figure out what that distance is." Sometimes taking space is the most powerful way that we can love one another.

Are there people in your life that you are afraid to let go of who are not fully serving you right now?  Has someone needed to create space and you're feeling all of your fears of rejection and abandonment coming up?  I invite you to dive into those feelings--what are those fears trying to tell you that you need to give to yourself? What nurturing activities can you do on your own to bring you into your groundedness? And finally, what are the gifts that could come out of letting go and taking space...for both you and the other person?

 With Much Love,

:)Melissa Simonson
Astrology Coach, Inspirational Speaker,  

and Singer-songwriter

www.igniteyourvoice.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson