Honesty that heals...

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” 

― Pema Chödrön

Today is an interesting day filled with many mixed emotions. I've been in a state of grief for the last few days as I continue to process the end of a very significant relationship in my life. One of the most challenging things about grief, primarily in the depression stage, is how difficult that it is to "keep on keepin' on." I've found myself struggling not to isolate, struggling to maintain my healthy routines, even things as simple as washing my face or brushing my teeth before bed. A voice inside of my head says, "Just let me off the hook. I just want to wallow in the emptiness that I feel." If there is anything that I've learned in my 30 years; however, it's that the BEST thing to do for myself is to continue to practice self-care, especially the little things. I've also learned that I have to be authentic, which is why I'm blogging about this. Pretending to be "ok" when I'm not is like taking a knife to the existing wound and making it deeper. Honesty takes a big old flashlight to the darkness of grief and releases the shame, guilt and self-loathing that can often hide in its hidden cracks and corners. Every time I write or speak about the truth of where I am, I shed another layer of the pain.  I remind myself that I actually am ok, that I will get through this and as Pema so delicately puts it above, that right now, I "feel like a piece of shit" and that's ok, too.

It's easy to isolate during times of grief because of the pressure to be happy--in my line of work, I can be tremendously hard on myself with this. I can feel like I always have to have something happy to say, something inspiring, that somehow people are relying on me to be happy. I have certainly had a party questioning those thoughts! Whew! This morning, I sang in the choir at my church, and while I wanted to avoid the question of "How are you?" at all costs, I found that it was nice to simply be real with people, and I found myself amongst compassionate friends, amongst community.  That experience of the collective around me was an important piece in unraveling one of the cornerstones of my grief: "that I am all alone." Did that experience take all of the pain away? No, but it did pull me out of my suffering long enough to remember that there is a great big world out their that exists outside of my head. While I find it helpful in many ways to grieve in private, I find that part of the vigilance of living an honest life lies in choosing not to hide from the shame that accompanies sadness. I find it to be an important part of recognizing and embracing my humanity. God forbid that I'm just a mere mortal! :)  I've been playing with the following statement a lot lately:

"I have found that I'm not as 'good' as I thought or as 'bad' as I feared. I am not heroine or villain. I am living with my actual self & seeing what that is. Neither idealizing nor being idealized. It is more painful than I had imagined. Also more dimensional. I find myself stumbling hand in hand w/ forgiveness as a much closer entity." ~ SARK from Prosperity Pie

Part of my grief experience has been recognizing that I'm not angel nor am I demon--my ego wants to pendulum swing between the two so that I'm either elated or filled with self-loathing.  Part of losing a relationship and the grief that accompanies it is feeling like an unworthy, unlovable person--we see ourselves as the villain that must be undeserving of love.  The truth is that we are glorious, messy, imperfect, human beings and lovable no matter what. This is my work now: to continue to come back to that place of truth about myself. I've found myself singing the song I wrote last year called It's Alright, that will be on my upcoming album "Be a Light:"

"It's Alright. It's Alright. It's plain to see we're only human. When we forgive ourselves, and love despite our frailities, we are divine." 

(You can take a listen here, if you'd like: http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_10626711)

Despite the urge to hide or simply be a bum who stares at the wall all day arrested by my painful thoughts, I am continuing to care for my body, and to care for my tender spirit through reflection and forgiveness. Though it all feels like monotony to me right now, each little act is feeding my spirit love and restoring my strength and belief in life's goodness.  

With Love,

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson

Bathing in the Mud of Our Lives

"Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

The Master doesn't seek fulfillment.
Not seeking, not expecting,
she is present, and can welcome all things." 

~ The Tao Te Ching, Chapter 15

It is not in pushing or pulling, in forcing ourselves to have certain thoughts over others, or in forcing situations to move in one direction or the other that we cultivate joy in our lives.  It is when we first allow ourselves to feel whatever we are feeling, when we create time and space to bathe in the mud and muck of our existence that we make room for joy to peek it's shining head from below the murky surface.

In a new age of "positive thinking," I believe that people are being sadly misinformed to simply "stop thinking negative thoughts" or in that same vein, "to focus on the positive" when they are feeling anything but positive.  I invite you to raise your hand if it has ever worked for you to stop thinking negative thoughts, to stop feeling down, or to feel joy...on command.  (Ok, so I can't SEE you as you read this, but something tells me you are not raising your hand.)  Just as it rarely works to tell a small child to stop crying and get the desired results, as adults we cannot force our feelings from one direction to the other.  Just as that child will probably start crying harder and louder upon being told to stop, the ego voices in our heads will do the same if we ignore or resist our suffering.  Now don't get me wrong. I am the number one fan of gratitude, and finding beauty amidst the struggle, but I've learned that before I can appreciate the struggle, I have to allow the pain to run its course.  Yes people--a large part of feeling deep joy in our existence is in allowing ourselves to feel like total crap.

In our instant gratification society, we've programmed ourselves to resist all that is uncomfortable, to insure ourselves against unknown threats, to stay inside the lines of expectation in order to avoid unknown consequences.  At any glimpse of discomfort, something inside of us signals that we are standing in the middle of a burning fire, and we do whatever we can to jump out of it.  The irony is that by doing this, we only perpetuate our discomfort and add fuel to the fire of fear within us.  It is only by choosing to face the discomfort, to walk through the fire, that we discover the warm knowing, the sense of deeper fulfillment that inevitably follows; and sometimes "walking through the fire" means being still with our discomfort until we are inspired to act again.  Sitting with discomfort requires patience.  It is a courageous act of surrender.

One of my favorite mantras at the moment is the phrase, "Thy will be done."  This is a phrase that we hear spoken in the "Lord's Prayer" of the Christian tradition, and it is a phrase that I have come to see in a whole new light recently.  To me, when I speak this phrase, I am saying, "I trust you completely God/Universe/Spirit/Source/Life.  I trust that your will is for the highest good of all, and I surrender." In its natural state, all of life is built to thrive.  When I surrender to whatever is unfolding in my life, when I stop pushing and pulling in one direction or the other, I am getting out of the way of my ability to thrive.  I do not have all of the answers, and I never will.  It is only arrogant for me to believe that I can know at all times the best path to take for my life, but when I surrender, when I say, "Thy will be done," I am choosing to see that I am loved by every process that unfolds in my life.  It is in those moments of surrender, that my joy whispers the next step in my ear, and my path is illuminated once more.

In what ways do you resist your thoughts and feelings?  Are there areas of your life that you are trying to force?  Perhaps you have grown attached to an outcome that has become limiting or a vision of your life that has you feeling overwhelmed.  What would happen if you simply allowed yourself to feel it, to sit with that sense of struggle?  What would happen if you stopped running around or trying to "figure it out?"  What if you simply let yourself feel scared?  I invite you to breathe in that awareness.  Just take a couple of deep breaths.  As you allow yourself to wade into the mud of your life, as you choose to be patient while that mud settles and the waters run clear, I invite you to know that you are loved by every process that unfolds in your life.  You are magnificent and lovable even in your most vulnerable moments.  You were born to thrive as all that you are.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.

There is a peace that comes when we choose to honor the truth of what we are feeling.  I invite you to bathe in that truth.  Get messy.  Get muddy.  I hope that you delight in what you find.

©2010 Melissa Simonson

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEBSITE? No problem!--as long as you use this entire blurb with it: As an Inspirational Speaker, Joy Coach and Spiritual Astrologer, Melissa Simonson sees it as her life's work to be an authentic expression of her inner truth, and to assist others in being the same. Melissa creates a space of fun and acceptance as she invites her clients to discover the extraordinary within their everyday lives. By asking powerful questions and bringing the spiritual down to earth through her own stories, she helps individuals realize that joy and abundance are not impossible to obtain, but rather a birth-right that we can realize at any time. Visit www.igniteyourvoice.com to learn more.

*Photo courtesy of: http://www.flickr.com/photos/14833125@N02/2825321490/