A couple of weeks ago, I blogged about the challenges, rewards, the what's and the how's of trusting in Life's mysterious unfoldings as we co-create our lives. If you didn't catch that one you can take a look here. This week, I want to address another aspect of trust: trust within our relationships.
I hear it all of the time. I've uttered these words. You've uttered these words. "I don't know if I can TRUST him/her." "I'm looking for someone I can TRUST." "You broke my TRUST." One of the biggest misconceptions in our relationships with other people and ultimately, in our relationship with ourselves, is the notion that we can place trust in other people, and that it's reasonable to expect that you will "never let me down."
When I find myself saying "I don't trust you," what I'm really reflecting is a lack of trust for myself and in our beautiful. loving Universe. You, oh dear beautiful soul whose thoughts and actions are way out of my control (thank goodness), can just go on being you and doing your thing because well, it's your job to be you and do your thing. If you're human, like me, you have probably hurt or disappointed people before despite your amazingly good intentions, and you've probably been hurt and disappointed in return. And that is just it: when we enter relationships with the expectation that we will never do anything to hurt or disappoint one another we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. As long as I enter my relationships from a place of expectation that you will do and be who I want and "need" you to be, I'm setting myself up for a very interesting and not always fun ride.
So, if I can't trust you, and you can't trust me, then who the heck can we trust?! Before we go growling at each other and letting our hair stand up on end, I have exciting news: My job is to trust me, and your job is to trust you. What does that mean? It means that no matter what you do, no matter what you say, if you stay or if you go, I know that I can handle it. If I fear abandonment, then I know that what I really want, deep down, is that I never leave myself, that I listen to and act in accordance with my inner voice, that I choose to be honest with both you and me, and that I make all kinds of yummy time to love and be kind to myself. My soul longs for me to know that the Universe is a kind and loving place that is always providing me with exactly what I need--even when it appears that you are not.
When we enter our relationships from this place of trust, knowing that we are loved by every process unfolding and that we can meet ourselves from a place of love, respect, presence and care, we release each other from the burden of being anything other that who we already are. That's when the love flows in and we discover more juicy goodness than we ever could have imagined with our measly, expecting minds. We discover and create the freedom that comes with true acceptance. So much better than crazy attempts at mind-control, no?
Your assignment: I invite you to notice the ways in which you can feel fear and mistrust in your relationships. Now, I invite you to turn it around and take a gentle look at yourself. In what ways are you being someone you can't trust? In what ways do you "leave" or hurt yourself sometimes? What are some ways that you can strengthen your sense of trust in yourself?
Nurturing self-love is my dealio, so if you would like some support and need some objective help in seeing those places that you're not loving and trusting so much in yourself (we all need this help sometimes), I would LOVE to create a safe space for us to discover and create together. Contact me at anytime to schedule a free consult. AND if you read this and find that you have a specific question for me--go ahead and submit your question to my Ask the JoyDiva™ blog. You get to be anonymous to readers AND partner with me in sharing goodness.
Much love to you!
Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are!
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are!
Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here: www.joydiva.com
Visit my Q&A blog and get your Life, Relationship and Spiritual Questions answered: www.askthejoydiva.com
©2012 Melissa Simonson
Sorry to disagree with you on this one, Melissa, but we are meant to be in trusting relationship with other people. The Universe doesn't sprinkle magic dust onto newborn babies to provide them with the nourishment, protection, laughter, encouragement, and wisdom they need to thrive; it gave them parents. The Universe's gift to the weak is the strength that comes with community.
ReplyDeleteHuman being have survived through the centuries by
virtue of their large brains with the amazing neocortex
that guides us in relationship building. We are all like
trapeze artists, flyers and catchers, and our lives
depend upon being able to trust that when we let go of
the bar there will be a pair of hands reaching out to
catch us.
Only in relationship with others can we reach our true potential, because a big part of love is supporting others
in THEIR efforts to reach their true potential. We need to
be worthy of trust -- and we need to give others the gift
of knowing we place our trust in them. (BTW, there's nothing wrong with making promises and forming covenants and holding expectations, as long as you're not the only one who knows what those expectations ARE.)
My job as your friend is not to walk alongside you loving myself while you are busy loving yourself. If you step in a pothole and twist your ankle, my job is to help. It is perfectly reasonable for you to expect that of me. If I don't help you, it's not that trust and expectations are wrong -- it's that I'm not a good friend. And the Universe is not going to drive by and offer you a ride to the emergency room. That's humanity's job.
The problem isn't with trust itself, Melissa. Trust is a "tool" that helps us build strong, fearless, abiding relationships. If one doesn't know how to use trust
wisely, then things can go wrong just as they do any
time a person uses a tool awkwardly.
Trust is faith. (In fact, the definition of the word from which "faith" was derived is "trust".) True faith is
thoughtful and well-reasoned. It questions and explores.
Faith is different from belief, which is blind to Faith has it's origin in your head and heart; belief is in your gut.
Faith in a trapeze partner doesn't come from sharing a bottle of wine and hopping in to bed with him. No, it comes from getting to know each other, doing some trial flights -- always with nets and helmets and spotters --
practicing, practicing, practicing until you knew you
could trust him and he you. THEN, and only then, do you
let go of the bar, trusting that you will fly safely into his
arms.
If one uses the tool of trust unwisely -- placing our trust in someone else before we have done that relationship-building work first -- it's easy to blame "trust" as a
concept so we don't have shine a light on our own
impulsiveness or immaturity or magical thinking or
whatever. Throwing out the concept of trusting others
just because we haven't figured out how to get it right is
truly just like throwing the baby out with the bath water.
And I guarantee that that poor little thrown-out baby will not be plucked from the water, dried off, comforted, and
fed by the all-loving Universe.
Have you ever read anything by Alan Watts? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Hi There, and thank you for your thoughtful comment. We don't actually disagree here--not at all, it's more that we are describing different aspects of the same thing. I can't help but think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs with what you are describing, and my work tends to lie in the arena of "Esteem Needs,"--when blogging on topics like the above, I'm working with the basic assumption that relationships are a good and necessary part of being human, and I'm simply challenging people's notions as to where their happiness comes from, and the ways that they can block the deeper intimacy that you are describing. This blog is not addressing expressed covenants, it's addressing the ways in which certain thoughts can create suffering in relationships when they go unquestioned. I realize that my tone could be perceived as "every man for himself," but that is not what I'm expressing here, at all.
ReplyDeleteMany people go beyond the notion of "I need to know that you will be there to pull me out of the ditch someday" to "I need to know that you will be here to make me happy." I'm addressing the latter kind of statement. No matter how loving you are as my friend, no matter how many ditches you pull me out of, if I don't recognize my responsibility in nurturing my happiness and making space for you to nurture yours, I will not be able to receive all that you have to give and my own giving will be quite hollow. Relationships are this beautiful mirror in our lives to take a look at, or in your words "shine a light", on our own thoughts and whether or not we are listening and honoring our own inner voice. This is at the core of what I'm talking about here:
"The voice within is what I'm married to. All marriage is a metaphor for that marriage. My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes and no come from. That's my true partner. It's always there. And to tell you yes when my integrity says no is to divorce that partner." ~ Byron Katie
When we have mistrust in our relationships, it is because we have not honored our internal yes's and no's--all that you describe above as "using the tool of trust unwisely" are examples of one not listening to that inner voice. When I honor my commitment to myself to live with integrity, THEN I am able to fully honor my commitment to you. If I'm tuning out that inner voice--you can be rock solid in my life, and I'm not going to feel grounded. My focus is to support people in trusting that they themselves will live with integrity--will say yes when they mean it and no when they don't--so that they can live in healthy, interdependent relationships with others.
So, no throwing the baby out with the bathwater. We might be working with the some different definitions or different language, but the core of what we are saying, I believe, is ultimately the same.
Blessings,
:)Melissa
P.S. When I talk about "being loved by every process unfolding in our lives," I'm addressing the resiliency of the human spirit, again, on the level of how we choose to perceive our reality. If you or I decide to end our relationship for any reason, I can know that my ability to cultivate joy from that experience overtime lies within me and the way I choose to perceive my experience. Because I believe that God/Universe is love, I believe that even my painful experiences are loving ones that are helping me to grow further into a positive force for good. When I trust in that,in my own capacity to perceive the light amidst the darkness, and to honor my inner voice, I don't have to burden you with any false sense of need. I'm no longer grasping at you, but rather I can love you from a place of true trust and openness. Then, you get to experience the joy of being loved for truly who you are, not just because you are "someone who makes me happy or will never let me down," and I get to experience the same.
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