One thing that makes me tremendously grateful that I'm an Astrologer is that when I feel like I've been hit upside the head with a big cosmic two by four, I can take a look at what transits are currently interacting with my chart to help me come to a deeper understanding of what's unfolding. I've found myself overcome with grief and the green-eyed monster, jealousy, for the past few days, and it's been painful, and had me going, "What the HECK is going on with me?!" It's like my mind caught some sort of auto-immune disease and has gone into overdrive attacking itself. My usual ability to shift pain and challenges with ease has completely eluded me, and when that happens, I know that I am going through some MAJOR growing pains in my process of becoming.
It was my Saturn return (Saturn came back to the same place that it was when I was born) in the last year that took my marriage-bound relationship and dismantled everything that I thought I new about relationships and commitment. I was left seeing the many illusions that I had created and the ways in which that relationship was no longer serving me on my path. It was shocking and painful beyond words. I felt betrayed by God, by life, by myself--I found myself thinking, "If this relationship won't work, this relationship that at one time seemed to be all that a relationship SHOULD be, then what's the frickin' point of being in love or in relationships at all? Will I ever GET IT?" I grieved deeply the end of passion in my relationship, and had to witness my partner grieve as he also was brought to his knees by the reality that faced us.
Slowly as I honored my inner voice and separated myself from that relationship that I'd held so dear (and still do), I began to feel liberated. I began self-care practices that I'd never been able to commit to in the past. I started to face all of the things that had once terrorized me...on my own, standing tall. I started to get REALLY clear on why my relationship didn't work and what I did to contribute to that. I started to fall in love with myself and love the company that I keep in the quiet moments. It is because of my Saturn placement, which is here to help me master what it means to be committed to myself first, that I am so good at helping other women do the same.
So here I am, having had a kick-ass, dynamic year, having felt amazing on my own...and guess what? The growth work is SO not over. A deeper growth cycle is being stirred up further as Saturn passes over my natal Pluto.
To better explain Pluto, here is a great description from Molly Hall on About.com:
"In the birth chart, Pluto shows the area of life where you'll personally face the intense powers of creation and destruction. It's the doorway through which volatile compressed pockets of self, spirit and primal energy lies hidden, which are released either by our own efforts or by provocation from the outside world.
Pluto's energy will not be suppressed but its power is often feared. This can put you in a showdown between your greatest fears of being destroyed, and the pursuit of the deepest longing in your heart. The Ego holds to its defenses, but Pluto tries to urge you to let go, and surrender to become a new person.
Pluto rules Scorpio with its province being death and rebirth. There's a Sufi saying, "Die many times before you die," and Pluto's lessons hold out promise of emerging from the flames a new person. When chaotic events shake us at the foundations, it could be Pluto provoking change at the fundamental level. We might not think we exist without the ground beneath us, our sense of who we are, but if we're brave, we come to discover there is life after this kind of ego-death."
So what happens when Saturn passes over Pluto? Well in my case, all of the grieving that I thought I had done about that former relationship has been reignited with a blow torch. A few weeks ago, I had to ask my former partner to stop contacting me after receiving an array of emails and texts that were at times deeply cruel and blaming. Back in June, I asked that we take space for a couple of months, knowing that grief takes time to process and needing the space to grow and stretch on my own. I also saw how much that he was struggling to shift into the new form of our relationship and feeling a lot of pain from our interactions. He initially agreed to take that space and even requested it himself earlier on...to then compromise on this agreement again and again as his own sense of loss overcame him. I saw things in him that I had over-looked before, and I was deeply hurt by the ways he could take things that I'd shared in vulnerable confidence and twist them to spit them back in my face. As hard as I tried to not allow those words to affect me, the truth is, I was deeply hurt, disappointed, and it is hard for me to know what to believe or trust in my relationship with him. *Sigh*...break-ups suck. I don't hold these things against him, and I know that these behaviors do not solely define him. I also reached a point where it became clearer to me that being friends right now would simply not be possible for me. I've worked a lot with the belief that says, "I need his understanding." My heart wants him to understand, to to just love me, to see my good intentions, and the larger truth is that it is ME who needs to give myself those things, not him--there is nothing that he could give me at this point that I do not already have. That becomes a little bit easier to own every day.
Three weeks later after asking him to stop contacting me, I've discovered that he is likely with someone else. And here it is, the height of my Saturn/Pluto conjunction. All of the Plutonic emotions have come up--the anger, the jealousy, the deep sense of loss, the desire to cling to old forms of security, the depression that follows. But here's the deal: as I tell my clients all of the time and believe FIERCELY in my own life, we are loved by every process unfolding in our lives. This experience--that has had me bawling my eyes out, questioning my choices, longing for my former partner, questioning his choices, feeling hatred toward the new person in his life, feeling hatred toward him, feeling hatred toward myself (hatred toward self and others are, of course, one in the same)--this experience is loving me up. I am coming into a strength and power that my mind can't even fully dream of just yet.
As all of these Plutonic emotions are forcibly dredged up, I am receiving the opportunity to fall in love with myself more deeply, to LOVE even the dark underbelly of my existence that has previously caused me feelings of great shame. Saturn is connecting with Pluto to help me shine in all of my realness. I cannot choose these thoughts that have hijacked my brain, but I can question them and learn from them and choose how I react. I can treat myself with utmost kindness and gentleness as I witness my mind going to places that scare me. I can resist or I can surrender. I'm learning more deeply what it means to surrender. I could not be "The JoyDiva" without this. Eventually, I will be able to feel a more constant flow of love for my former partner and anyone he chooses to spend his time with. In the meantime, I am walking hand-in-hand with self-forgiveness, everyday. As Pluto's dark waves wash over me from the inside out, I am being cleansed. I am healing. I am discovering my wholeness. I am birthing myself anew. Blessed be!
With Love and Gratitude for ALL THAT IS,
Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are!
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are!
Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here: www.joydiva.com
©2011 Melissa Simonson
