Everything I do has to be perfect...Is that true?

Today I write from the place of asking myself, "Why am I SO stressed out?!"  Sometimes, I can find myself slipping into these unidentifiable bouts of anxiety and overwhelm, and I literally feel as if even the air around me is adding weight to my tired shoulders.  

Yes, I have A LOT going on right now--I tend to juggle a lot of "jobs" in one and have many upcoming deadlines to meet while I embark on constant new territory. Yes, on the outset, this can clearly be causing stress, but when I scratch beneath the surface, I see something deeper going on here. It's one thing to be busy doing a lot of things that I love--that's just joyous to me, and is not inherently stressful, even if I'm quite busy.  It's another thing entirely when I take a look at all of the self-talk that is accompanying all of this busy-ness.  It's the self-talk that is making the air around me feel heavy and is giving me this general sense of dread as I approach of these tasks. It's the self-talk that in it's desire to keep me from failing is making me feel like a failure before I even begin!

I've been playing a lot lately with "The Work" of Byron Katie. Katie teaches us that we create suffering for ourselves when we unconsciously believe our thoughts. I love all that I do with JoyDiva™--my one-on-one coaching, sharing my music, retreats, teleclasses, and the many other things I do as I earn a living and beyond. What causes me suffering is when I start to believe the thought in my head that everything I do has to be "perfect," that there are hundreds, THOUSANDS of people counting on me to get it right, and I'm simply going to disappoint all of them. Yikes!  Heavy stuff isn't it? Who the heck can have a good time doing what he or she "loves" while buying into to all of that painful banter?! I know I certainly am not.

The fun part is that I've had a moment of enlightenment. I've caught myself in the act of sabotaging myself, and now, I have the opportunity to question those thoughts and discover what REALLY is true. Katie teaches us how to question our thoughts by asking 4 questions and a turnaround. Here's what that looks like when I question my own thought, "Everything that I do has to be perfect":

1) Is that true?

Well, no, it's not true, even though it FEELS like it is true right now. No one has ACTUALLY said to me in my life that I have to be perfect. No one in my life has actually SAID to me that I'm a disappointment or have disappointed them (well, barring my mom when I was 16 and intentionally breaking my curfew to hang out with some guy...but that's another story. :)

2) Can I absolutely know that it's true?

No, I cannot--there are plenty of circumstances in which I've experienced it not being true.

3) Who am I, how do I react, when I believe that thought?

I'm frickin' stressed out! I hold back from saying how I really feel. I'm heavy and serious instead of my usual playful, happy self. I take what people say or don't say personally because I believe that they are judging me and that blocks intimacy in both personal and professional relationships. I am mistrusting and struggle to receive when people give me positive feedback. My mind is so constantly consumed with "trying to do the 'right' thing" that I can hardly even enjoy the moment. I feel like it's not ok to be ME.

4) Who would I be without that thought?

Holy Moly! I would feel so free! I would be open and sharing and I would dive into new things with total abandon. When I have a lot of work to do, I would simply get to work and enjoy the process. I would let myself take breaks and feel satisfied with what I create. When I perform, I would laugh at myself when I "make a mistake." I would be playful and real. I would simply be ME. It would be incredibly liberating.

The next step is what Katie calls a "Turnaround." If I were to turn the thought, "Everything that I do has to be perfect," that might look like:

1) Everything that I do is already perfect. Is that true?

Yes, in many ways it is!  "Perfect" doesn't ACTUALLY exist, so when I am being me and doing what I love, and even when it's really messy--ESPECIALLY when it's messy, that is exactly what it needs to be for all involved.  When I allow whatever needs to unfold in the moment simply to unfold, it is unfolding in the perfect right time for exactly the right people, including myself.

2) Everything that other people do has to be perfect. Is that true?

Yes, in some ways it is when I think about the high expectations that I can have of my loved ones. When I believe that I have to be perfect, I can put a lot of pressure on the people around me to do the same. I can project my own self-loathing onto the people who I love in my life when I see them not saying and doing what I want them to. I make this thought true with my high expectations.

3) Everything that I do does not have to be perfect. Is that true?

Yes! It is very true. I feel so much happier when I am simply being myself and being loving toward the people around me. The truth is that my clients, fans, friends and family members love me EVEN more when I am not trying so hard to be perfect--the best part is that they love me know matter what. I can even remember someone coming up to me after a gig and telling me how much she loved a song that I played when I made a mistake and giggled at myself--she said that it made it more real, and more beautiful.  

And so, there you have it: This thought that I've been buying into, that has been causing me all of this suffering and stress is not actually true. It is liberating, and comforting to make this realization, AND I feel WAY less stressed out. Whew! I'm grateful to myself for taking the time to walk through this thought exercise and incredibly grateful to Byron Katie for sharing her wonderful work in the world. Now I can go eat and truly enjoy my lunch. :)

To learn more about Byron Katie, her books, and programs, visit: http://www.thework.com/index.php

If you are looking for a coach with realness and humor to help you cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself, I would be honored to explore that with you. As I continue on my self-love journey, I love nothing more than helping other women see themselves as the completely loveable, perfectly imperfect beings that they are...and to help them CELEBRATE in that fact.  


Oh Yes, and before I go eat my lunch...:), I want to make sure that you know about the FREE JoyDiva™ Celebration call that is happening next week--If you like what you found in this blog, I've got even more goodies to share with you on the call: 

First FREE JoyDiva Celebration call Date and Time: Thursday, October 6, 7pm Central / 8pm Eastern. (This first call will be 30 minutes in length.)

 Sign up here: http://eepurl.com/fWD89

Love and Blessings to you.

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson

Feeling Abundant Amidst the Struggle

Toward the end of the week, I am scheduled to give a talk entitled "Joy is an Inside Job" at a local professional woman's networking group.  This is all fine and good, but if you were to check in with the loved one who stayed up late with me on the phone last night (Thank you!)...he could clue you in on my overwhelm, and the pain I've experienced in some crucial aspects of my life recently.  Someone once asked me what I would do if I was scheduled to give a talk on joy when I'm not feeling particularly joyful in my own life...last night, my answer would have been: Ugggggghhhhh.

It is the heart of winter in Madison, WI, single digit temperatures and not a lot of daylight.  With the dawning of 2010, I've found myself more exhausted than energized, feeling like I'd rather crawl under a rock than set a dynamic vision for the year to come.  This is actually not unusual for me at this time of year...all of the expectations around the New Year feed this insatiable voice inside of my head that's soul survival depends on my willingness to believe that I will be a failure, no matter how hard I try.  Overwhelming moments like this in my life are clear indicators that it is time to ignite MY voice again.  Somewhere along the way, I've begun to tune her out, and today, it was time to listen.

I decided to bundle myself up and go for a long walk in the Aldo Leopold Nature Center near my home.  I spent an hour there, listening to the snow crunching beneath my feet, looking at the tracks, and standing still while listening to the immense silence that winter emanates.  It was then, that I heard my voice, my consciousness underneath all of the chatter, and as tears welled up in my eyes here is what came to me:

I've come to notice that when I'm feeling intense sadness, fear, joy or gratitude I always cry--whether I'm feeling despair or immense joy, my body seems to respond in very much the same way. It is an outpouring of emotion, an overflow, an abundance of feeling. When I've thought about abundance, it is easy to think that some experiences constitute abundance and others do not, that we are only abundant when we are feeling joyful and not when we are feeling sad. But the truth is LIFE is abundant, every last moment of it. My overwhelming pain can be an example of this just as well as my joy is an example. My tears are a reminder of this. Even when I think that I have nothing left to give, my tears remind me of the abundance that flows up from the core of my being. When I remember that I AM abundant at all times, then even in my emptiest moments I can recognize glimpses of joy through my tears of pain.

As much joy as I can get from speaking about it and assisting others in discovering their joy, I have to remember sometimes that I've come to this life philosophy because I've allowed myself to feel ALL of life.  So what am I going to share in my talk at the end of the week?  I'm going to tell them the truth:  That early in the week I felt overwhelmed by life, and in my overwhelm, I dug in to find something beautiful.  I am going to share how I found joy, and tapped into abundance when it was the last thing that I was feeling.  Life is constantly showing me that darkness and light exist simultaneously.  Today, amidst the stark cold of winter, I found my own light by delving into the darkness.

©2010 Melissa Simonson 

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEBSITE? No problem!--as long as you use this entire blurb with it: As an Inspirational Speaker, Joy Coach and Spiritual Astrologer, Melissa Simonson sees it as her life's work to be an authentic expression of her inner truth, and to assist others in being the same. Melissa creates a space of fun and acceptance as she invites her clients to discover the extraordinary within their everyday lives. By asking powerful questions and bringing the spiritual down to earth through her own stories, she helps individuals realize that joy and abundance are not impossible to obtain, but rather a birth-right that we can realize at any time. Visit www.igniteyourvoice.com to learn more.