Gratitude in Unlikely Places...

"...And so I'll thank the past, say YES! to possibility, let love be my guide, and surrender to the mystery..." ~ From my song Changing

As we shift out of the intense Scorpio energy that, for some of us, created countless opportunities to let go, to surrender what has been for what can be, I can think of no better time to have a holiday dedicated to giving thanks.  It is, of course, easy to give thanks when life is flowing with ease, and we are not forced to let go of things that we perhaps want to hold onto to. I've come to learn, however, that it is in times of loss, of stepping into great unknowns, when it is the most crucial that we seek out the reasons to give thanks.  It is only from that place of thanks that we are capable of seeing all that we gain in times of loss.

Scorpio's energy has helped us to go to the core, to get in touch with what's left when we strip away what's no longer working for us.  It is an opportunity to discover how amazing and capable that we are, and how abundant that life is, even when we are in the midst of "losing." In my case, it was letting go of ideas of who I am, particularly in my romantic relationships to other people and letting go of a lot of ways of thinking that were holding me back from deeper intimacy with myself and others.  I always find myself going through big transformations during Scorpio's stay--it's not always comfortable, and this year because Saturn was also crossing over my natal Pluto (which rules Scorpio), I was pretty much brought to my knees.  I was quite miserable for a few weeks, and I'm already reflecting back to begin discovering how important and truly positive that experience has been and will be for my life moving forward.

As Sagittarius dashes in, I find myself more able to integrate and understand the higher purpose for all of that transformation, and I am ready for the journey, the adventure, as I invite in what's next.  It is only natural for me to pause and give thanks for all that I've gained through my recent experiences of loss.  That is really what loss is about--it is an opportunity to gain so much more than we ever started out with.  Even just the experience of coming back to equilibrium after feeling the boat rocking about amidst a stormy sea makes me want to shout a little "Hallelujah!" Or a really loud one. AMEN! :)  

So, as you pause this Thursday to give thanks, I invite you to reflect on all that you've gained amidst Scorpio's stormy shifts in these past couple of months.  What do you gain in times of discomfort and scary unknowns?  What do you gain from grief, from times of unexpected loss (whether or not than loss is real or perceived)?

What better experience can you have then to come out of turbulent times to realize that you are truly blessed?

Here's a link to my song Changing off of my upcoming album Be a Light, to help us close out Scorpio and welcome in Sagittarius: http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_11016176

Thank you for all the ways that you are a blessing.

Much love,

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson

The stories that shape our lives...

Today is the first snowy day that we've seen here in Madison, and skimming down my Facebook newsfeed, I can't help but laugh at the variety of reactions to Mother Nature doing her thing. They range from: "Gah! Driving will suck today!" to "Ok enough with the blizzard outside. I really dislike winter..." to "Snow...what snow? It's 70 and sunny outside, you must have been mistaken. *begin denial now*" to "So not ready for this!" to "SNOW!! (please tell me I'm not the only one excited about this...) :D" to "*gasp!* It's here! and it's beautiful!!! Yaaaaay!" So many stories and so many different experiences shaped by those chosen stories--guess which people are having a good time today and which folks are floundering a bit? 

Me? I'm sitting in one of my favorite cafes sipping a warm chai latte as the beautiful sleet falls outside the big picture window next to me. I feel cozy and grateful for this moody weather and how it connects me with my inner wisdom. I can't think of any other way that this moment could be more complete. Why would I choose to rob myself of this delicious experience by creating a different story? Why on earth would I do anything but seek to embrace this happening weather, which, by the way, happens to be way out of my control?

If you find yourself suffering through your day, the first place to check is your story. Are you resisting what is? Are you choosing to swim up a stream of negativity when all you have to do is go with the flow? Even the little, seemingly unimportant, things like how you react to the weather add up to shape our larger experience. 

One of my favorite stories that I've chosen to make the foundation of all that I do and experience is that "I'm loved by every process unfolding in my life." Over these past few weeks, I've been blogging about an intense grief process that I've been going through. Last week, I surrendered to it. I let myself get attached to certain outcomes, I got really mad at one point, then I got depressed, and then I let it go. I was able to surrender to that process because of my trust that I was being loved by that experience. I've chosen over this past month to seek the opportunity, the growth, and even the "feel good moments" amidst my grief. Today, I write from a place of deep, grateful breaths for this unfolding process. I am at peace.  Here are just a few of the glimmers that I've discovered as I've sought the ways that this grief process is loving me:

1) I am not alone, even when I think that I am. There are amazing angels in my life, both seen and unseen who have my best interest at heart.

2) I've needed more balance in my life--I was swinging into hyper-autonomous mode, which has been awesome, and I also know that I need to reach out and connect with more people right now.

3) I've discovered another layer to my relationship growth path. I've been blessed to have some really healing conversations with my former partner and to begin a new friendship with him--all of which would not have happened if events had unfolded differently. We've rediscovered lightness in our relating that had previously stopped existing amidst the suffocating circumstances of our partnership. I'm learning more deeply what it means to be independent and a good partner at the same time, and that I'm very capable at both. I'm witnessing a new layer of what it means for ME to be in a committed relationship, and I'm opening myself to what that could look like in the future.

4) My Saturn/Pluto Conjunction is teaching me about surrender in a way that I never thought possible. I've witnessed countless thoughts and beliefs that I've clung to that have caused me great pain. I'm learning to let those go, and new thoughts and ideas that serve me greatly are flooding in.

5) I've discovered how healing it is, and helpful to other people, when I share so boldly about my dark and scary moments. I've gained more confidence as I've honored my need to share. This experience has given me so many goodies through which I can even more fully serve my clients that it brings tears of joy to my eyes to think about.

The truth is that I am blessed. We all are. When we stop resisting that which is out of our control and seek the love instead, we open ourselves to receive that blessing fully. My grief has been painful and a blessing, and now I'm readying myself to be born anew when the time is right.  

In the meantime, I'm loving this weather.  How about you?

With much love,

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson

 

When "Spiritual" isn't cutting it...

"God dwells within you...as you. God's not interested in watching a performance of how a spiritual person looks and behaves. The quiet girl who glides silently through the place with a gentle, ethereal smile...who is that person? It's Ingrid Bergman in "The Bells of St. Mary's" – not me. God dwells within me...as me."

~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Being an Astrology Coach and often referred to as a "Spiritual Life Coach," I can easily fall into a trap of feeling like I have to somehow "rise above" my humanity, that it's "my job" to seek the good in all people and situations. Much of the time, I am pretty good at that. I do get a lot of the ways to create my joy, and I live a pretty joyful existence. I can feel a lot of balance, peace and gratitude in my daily life.

But here's the deal: No matter what I do for a living, it is not my job to be spiritual. It is my job to be me...real, messy, learning, growing, struggling, striving and sometimes thriving...me. This goes for all of us, actually. What I see so often in myself and in the people I'm blessed to support is this sense like we "should" know better. We think we are "better than" our anger, or hurt, or jealousy or fear. We find ourselves taking things personally or being upset with someone and we say, "The loving thing, the spiritual thing, would be to simply do the work, question our thoughts, to release our fear, do the forgiveness thing, to be kind and loving, and let it go. Yes, this is a beautiful approach to life and relationships, and sometimes we just have to cut ourselves a break. In order to get to the forgiveness part and the loving kindness part, I have to own that this junk I'm feeling in the moment is real and it's not going anywhere until I'm real right along with it.

Over the past few weeks, I've been dealing with some intense grief as I go through my own death and rebirth cycle with a significant relationship in my life and ultimately, with my relationship that I have with myself. I have felt so many emotions and I've vigilantly questioned my thoughts and revealed to myself places that I've been creating an unhealthy story. I've been like a bounty hunter for limiting thoughts that are causing my suffering, blasting through them to find what's true. I find myself today still processing this grief and when thinking about blogging, I thought, "I can't STILL be writing about my grief! I should be over this by now! What's wrong with me?! I'm a Spiritual Life Coach, for goodness sake!" My ego self seems to think that being a Spiritual Life Coach makes me something other than human, me thinks. :) The truth is that whether I were in the line of work that I am or not, I would still be hard on myself in this way.  Should's and ought's and woulda-coulda's seem to find a way of creeping in no matter who we are and what we do.

Today I'm doing more to make peace with my grief. I've put away my AK-47, seeing as how it's been exhausting being a spiritual vigilante on this mission to liberate my mind. Yes, I have all kinds of tools, and I've learned a lot as I've pulled them out in an effort to nurture myself. Now, I'm making peace with thoughts of anger and jealousy. I'm making peace with the part of me that has been resisting this whole process and telling me how I should be feeling and acting. I could argue with reality or I could just be real. There have been times that I don't feel like seeing the good in this situation or in certain people. There have been times when I've been a blubbering, snotty mess. I've placed love outside of myself. I've held my breath hoping that certain outcomes that are out of my control would magically be IN my control. I've been afraid. I've struggled to see the big picture. I've felt completely out of balance. I've felt completely UN-spiritual.  And guess what? It is in that space that the growth-work is happening. 

I've been thinking a lot about one of my favorite books and favorite films lately, Eat, Pray, Love. Liz Gilbert's journey through Italy, India, and Spain, completely capture my life's work to nurture my relationship with myself and help others do the same. I've been single since January and LOVING my growth and loving how balanced and happy that I've felt. Then the grief came and I found myself questioning if everything that I've learned has been for nothing, if that sense of balance was an illusion. There is a particular quotation from the movie that comes to mind to me right now. Liz is so upset with herself because she has fallen in love and gotten completely out of balance with herself. She goes to her teacher, Ketut Liyer, and expresses to him her fear that she is losing herself in love, and this is what he says to her: "To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." I would go so far as to say that to lose balance for any aspect of life is part of living a balanced life. So here I am, feeling out of balance and completely un-spiritual--and I'm actually right where I need to be, in balance with all that is.

By surrendering my need to stop myself from trying to control outcomes--even as I've seen myself creating suffering for myself--I lean into the greater balance. I've created much more suffering for myself in times of trying to be spiritual instead of just letting all the nitty, gritty, catty parts of me show their head. Make no mistake, I am still doing my best to curb the destructive nature of these emotions--I'm not burning buildings or destroying lives, no hate mail has been sent. I'm also not beating myself up so much when I think or feel things that my spiritual self would otherwise deem as "base." Grief sucks, fear sucks, and here I am. I love myself more because I know how hard I work at being good. I love myself because I am human.  

It feels good to simply breathe that in.

With Great Thanks,

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson

When Saturn Meets Pluto: "I Must Transform"

One thing that makes me tremendously grateful that I'm an Astrologer is that when I feel like I've been hit upside the head with a big cosmic two by four, I can take a look at what transits are currently interacting with my chart to help me come to a deeper understanding of what's unfolding.  I've found myself overcome with grief and the green-eyed monster, jealousy, for the past few days, and it's been painful, and had me going, "What the HECK is going on with me?!" It's like my mind caught some sort of auto-immune disease and has gone into overdrive attacking itself.  My usual ability to shift pain and challenges with ease has completely eluded me, and when that happens, I know that I am going through some MAJOR growing pains in my process of becoming.

Sure enough, I'd completely forgotten that transiting Saturn is crossing over my natal Pluto right about now. For those of you going, "Wha?" in response to that, never fear! I will explain. I call Saturn the "Tough Love Planet" because it forces us to come down to earth, to face what is not working in our lives, so that we can create that which truly sustains us.  Saturn causes a break down in the structures that we've created in our lives that are not truly serving us, and creates obstacles that are meant as opportunities for growth.  Saturn also gives us the building blocks to create new beliefs and structures that will truly serve us in achieving deep fulfillment in our lives.  Depending on where Saturn is in your chart, Saturn is saying, "I love that you want that great relationship, that great job, to feel like you belong, to be a good communicator, etc., and here is the long list of things that you must endure so that you can learn what you need in order to have that." Saturn is loving us every step of the way through its boundaries and conditions so that we can find what it means to be TRULY free and accepting of all of life--not just living in an illusion of freedom in la-la land.

It was my Saturn return (Saturn came back to the same place that it was when I was born) in the last year that took my marriage-bound relationship and dismantled everything that I thought I new about relationships and commitment. I was left seeing the many illusions that I had created and the ways in which that relationship was no longer serving me on my path.  It was shocking and painful beyond words.  I felt betrayed by God, by life, by myself--I found myself thinking, "If this relationship won't work, this relationship that at one time seemed to be all that a relationship SHOULD be, then what's the frickin' point of being in love or in relationships at all? Will I ever GET IT?" I grieved deeply the end of passion in my relationship, and had to witness my partner grieve as he also was brought to his knees by the reality that faced us.  

Slowly as I honored my inner voice and separated myself from that relationship that I'd held so dear (and still do), I began to feel liberated.  I began self-care practices that I'd never been able to commit to in the past.  I started to face all of the things that had once terrorized me...on my own, standing tall.  I started to get REALLY clear on why my relationship didn't work and what I did to contribute to that. I started to fall in love with myself and love the company that I keep in the quiet moments. It is because of my Saturn placement, which is here to help me master what it means to be committed to myself first, that I am so good at helping other women do the same.

So here I am, having had a kick-ass, dynamic year, having felt amazing on my own...and guess what?  The growth work is SO not over.  A deeper growth cycle is being stirred up further as Saturn passes over my natal Pluto.

To better explain Pluto, here is a great description from Molly Hall on About.com:

"In the birth chart, Pluto shows the area of life where you'll personally face the intense powers of creation and destruction. It's the doorway through which volatile compressed pockets of self, spirit and primal energy lies hidden, which are released either by our own efforts or by provocation from the outside world.

Pluto's energy will not be suppressed but its power is often feared. This can put you in a showdown between your greatest fears of being destroyed, and the pursuit of the deepest longing in your heart. The Ego holds to its defenses, but Pluto tries to urge you to let go, and surrender to become a new person.

Pluto rules Scorpio with its province being death and rebirth. There's a Sufi saying, "Die many times before you die," and Pluto's lessons hold out promise of emerging from the flames a new person. When chaotic events shake us at the foundations, it could be Pluto provoking change at the fundamental level. We might not think we exist without the ground beneath us, our sense of who we are, but if we're brave, we come to discover there is life after this kind of ego-death."

So what happens when Saturn passes over Pluto? Well in my case, all of the grieving that I thought I had done about that former relationship has been reignited with a blow torch.  A few weeks ago, I had to ask my former partner to stop contacting me after receiving an array of emails and texts that were at times deeply cruel and blaming. Back in June, I asked that we take space for a couple of months, knowing that grief takes time to process and needing the space to grow and stretch on my own. I also saw how much that he was struggling to shift into the new form of our relationship and feeling a lot of pain from our interactions. He initially agreed to take that space and even requested it himself earlier on...to then compromise on this agreement again and again as his own sense of loss overcame him.  I saw things in him that I had over-looked before, and I was deeply hurt by the ways he could take things that I'd shared in vulnerable confidence and twist them to spit them back in my face.  As hard as I tried to not allow those words to affect me, the truth is, I was deeply hurt, disappointed, and it is hard for me to know what to believe or trust in my relationship with him. *Sigh*...break-ups suck.  I don't hold these things against him, and I know that these behaviors do not solely define him.  I also reached a point where it became clearer to me that being friends right now would simply not be possible for me.  I've worked a lot with the belief that says, "I need his understanding." My heart wants him to understand, to to just love me, to see my good intentions, and the larger truth is that it is ME who needs to give myself those things, not him--there is nothing that he could give me at this point that I do not already have.  That becomes a little bit easier to own every day.

Three weeks later after asking him to stop contacting me, I've discovered that he is likely with someone else.  And here it is, the height of my Saturn/Pluto conjunction.  All of the Plutonic emotions have come up--the anger, the jealousy, the deep sense of loss, the desire to cling to old forms of security, the depression that follows.  But here's the deal: as I tell my clients all of the time and believe FIERCELY in my own life, we are loved by every process unfolding in our lives.  This experience--that has had me bawling my eyes out, questioning my choices, longing for my former partner, questioning his choices, feeling hatred toward the new person in his life, feeling hatred toward him, feeling hatred toward myself (hatred toward self and others are, of course, one in the same)--this experience is loving me up.  I am coming into a strength and power that my mind can't even fully dream of just yet.

As all of these Plutonic emotions are forcibly dredged up, I am receiving the opportunity to fall in love with myself more deeply, to LOVE even the dark underbelly of my existence that has previously caused me feelings of great shame.  Saturn is connecting with Pluto to help me shine in all of my realness.  I cannot choose these thoughts that have hijacked my brain, but I can question them and learn from them and choose how I react.  I can treat myself with utmost kindness and gentleness as I witness my mind going to places that scare me.  I can resist or I can surrender.  I'm learning more deeply what it means to surrender.  I could not be "The JoyDiva" without this.  Eventually, I will be able to feel a more constant flow of love for my former partner and anyone he chooses to spend his time with.  In the meantime, I am walking hand-in-hand with self-forgiveness, everyday.  As Pluto's dark waves wash over me from the inside out, I am being cleansed.  I am healing.  I am discovering my wholeness.  I am birthing myself anew. Blessed be!

With Love and Gratitude for ALL THAT IS,

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson

Honesty that heals...

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” 

― Pema Chödrön

Today is an interesting day filled with many mixed emotions. I've been in a state of grief for the last few days as I continue to process the end of a very significant relationship in my life. One of the most challenging things about grief, primarily in the depression stage, is how difficult that it is to "keep on keepin' on." I've found myself struggling not to isolate, struggling to maintain my healthy routines, even things as simple as washing my face or brushing my teeth before bed. A voice inside of my head says, "Just let me off the hook. I just want to wallow in the emptiness that I feel." If there is anything that I've learned in my 30 years; however, it's that the BEST thing to do for myself is to continue to practice self-care, especially the little things. I've also learned that I have to be authentic, which is why I'm blogging about this. Pretending to be "ok" when I'm not is like taking a knife to the existing wound and making it deeper. Honesty takes a big old flashlight to the darkness of grief and releases the shame, guilt and self-loathing that can often hide in its hidden cracks and corners. Every time I write or speak about the truth of where I am, I shed another layer of the pain.  I remind myself that I actually am ok, that I will get through this and as Pema so delicately puts it above, that right now, I "feel like a piece of shit" and that's ok, too.

It's easy to isolate during times of grief because of the pressure to be happy--in my line of work, I can be tremendously hard on myself with this. I can feel like I always have to have something happy to say, something inspiring, that somehow people are relying on me to be happy. I have certainly had a party questioning those thoughts! Whew! This morning, I sang in the choir at my church, and while I wanted to avoid the question of "How are you?" at all costs, I found that it was nice to simply be real with people, and I found myself amongst compassionate friends, amongst community.  That experience of the collective around me was an important piece in unraveling one of the cornerstones of my grief: "that I am all alone." Did that experience take all of the pain away? No, but it did pull me out of my suffering long enough to remember that there is a great big world out their that exists outside of my head. While I find it helpful in many ways to grieve in private, I find that part of the vigilance of living an honest life lies in choosing not to hide from the shame that accompanies sadness. I find it to be an important part of recognizing and embracing my humanity. God forbid that I'm just a mere mortal! :)  I've been playing with the following statement a lot lately:

"I have found that I'm not as 'good' as I thought or as 'bad' as I feared. I am not heroine or villain. I am living with my actual self & seeing what that is. Neither idealizing nor being idealized. It is more painful than I had imagined. Also more dimensional. I find myself stumbling hand in hand w/ forgiveness as a much closer entity." ~ SARK from Prosperity Pie

Part of my grief experience has been recognizing that I'm not angel nor am I demon--my ego wants to pendulum swing between the two so that I'm either elated or filled with self-loathing.  Part of losing a relationship and the grief that accompanies it is feeling like an unworthy, unlovable person--we see ourselves as the villain that must be undeserving of love.  The truth is that we are glorious, messy, imperfect, human beings and lovable no matter what. This is my work now: to continue to come back to that place of truth about myself. I've found myself singing the song I wrote last year called It's Alright, that will be on my upcoming album "Be a Light:"

"It's Alright. It's Alright. It's plain to see we're only human. When we forgive ourselves, and love despite our frailities, we are divine." 

(You can take a listen here, if you'd like: http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_10626711)

Despite the urge to hide or simply be a bum who stares at the wall all day arrested by my painful thoughts, I am continuing to care for my body, and to care for my tender spirit through reflection and forgiveness. Though it all feels like monotony to me right now, each little act is feeding my spirit love and restoring my strength and belief in life's goodness.  

With Love,

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson

Good Grief...

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
― Pema Chödrön

I've had a great week--amazing sessions with wonderful clients, I posted some songs for my soon-to-be-released album to rave reviews, I finished up with a program that I've been planning for 10 months, I crossed a lot of things off of my to-do list--and yet, here I find myself facing unexpected grief; and it's incredibly painful.

In January, I ended the most significant relationship of my life thus far. I made that choice with great love and care and reluctance, and of course, I have done a lot of processing and have felt a large array of feelings since making that choice. I've missed him in my life and have also blossomed and grown and expanded in ways that I could only do on my own. It has been incredibly painful to see him hurting and I've certainly had a lot of opportunity to practice what it means to not be responsible for another's state of being. I've also had a lot of opportunity to explore what it means to have healthy boundaries in my life, and it's been both painful and liberating as I stay grounded in my self-care. 

And then it happened--I discovered some news yesterday that made jealousy and deep grief hit me smack in the middle of my face.  Jealousy, that nasty little bugger, came into my grounded world and knocked me right over. Suddenly all of these thoughts flooded into my head--judgements about him, assumptions about his choices, missing him and being frustrated with him simultaneously, anger and deep dislike for the other person who seems to have entered into the picture. Our thoughts can make us crazy, sometimes even violent, versions of ourselves, can they not? So there I was feeling all of those emotions that none of us want to feel, and after I had a good cry, I started to question my thoughts.

The truth is, that underneath that whole big, painful reaction, was my own grief and loneliness staring me in the face. Had I not questioned my thoughts and turned them around, I could have found myself needing to chase after him, tell him I miss him, try to come to some sort of understanding that has been eluding us for months, all the while hoping to hear that he still loves me just as much. The truth is that it's not HIS love and approval I've been needing, and he has every right to pursue whatever life that he wants for himself. When I turned around my judging thoughts about him and the situation, I found my own conflicting feelings about being "alone" right now.  I found myself remembering my choice to be alone right now and all of the ways that choice is serving me. I found myself also remembering how nice it is to have a partner to share my life with--something that I have not felt for some time now and an awareness that makes me feel sad and excited as I prepare myself to start dating again.  I found myself thinking of my former partner with deep love and appreciation, and also sadness for what is no longer between us. I found myself wanting him to be happy. I found myself wanting me to be happy.

Had I not stopped to realize that it was not him that I needed or him that was causing this reaction within me, I never would have come to these important conclusions about myself. In my passion for my work I can get so caught up in my projects that I leave little time for my other relationships, and the discovery that I made about my loneliness in those moments has reminded me of the continued need for balance in my life. Today, I still feel the grief, and I miss my friend and partner; however, I also feel surrounded by love and nurturing because I took the time to see past my abusive thoughts. I gave myself the attention that I felt I had lost from him.  I became my own significant other, and I connected with my amazing best friend of 18 years who helped to remind me once again of how not alone that I am. Grief is good when we allow ourselves to feel it, to let it cleanse us and heal us...it is good when we recognize that it is our unquestioned thoughts that make it so unbearable, when we allow it to become our friend.

To learn more about how you can practice questioning your own thoughts, click here: http://bit.ly/n4Jzuf

With Love and Gratitude,

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson

Are you being Selfish...or SOUL-fish?

In teaching self-love and supporting my clients as they fill their lives with healthy self-love practices, it is not uncommon that I'm faced with the question, "But isn't choosing myself, selfish?" In our society that lauds giving and struggles with receiving it can certainly FEEL like pursuing our own happiness is selfish, can it not? It is also not uncommon that when my clients start more fully advocating for and creating what they want and need in their lives that their loved ones lash out with the statement, "You're being selfish!" Yikes! How does one deal with that?!

The truth is there is a very clear difference between selfishness and practicing self-love or what a friend of mine likes to call SOULFISHNESS. Selfishness is when we ask another to change or do something other than what he or she is doing in order to make us happy. We can certainly express if something is not working for us--giving others information as to what is pleasing to us is a great thing; however, when we place our ability to be happy on the actions of another, we are not only setting ourselves and our relationships up to fail, we are also asking a GREAT deal of our partners, friends, family, etc. Soulfishness is when we choose to act in accordance with what will make us happy, DESPITE the possible unpleasant reactions of others. It is not your job to make others happy, nor is it others' job to make YOU happy.  When you choose what you need for yourself instead of looking to others to feed you, you are giving the most loving gift that you can to all of your relationships, including your primary relationship with yourself. So often when others say, "You are being selfish!" in response to a decision to do your own thing, focus on yourself, make a change that you need to in your life, it is THEM behaving selfishly because they are expecting you to do something that does not serve you in order to "make them happy." That external idea of happiness is always an illusion...relying on others whims to make us happy? Whew. What a miserable existence that is. It's wonderful to have compassion when you see someone creating suffering by not being in alignment with what is, and compassion never means saying yes when you mean no!  Being patient with another persons' reaction and listening from a place of love is a beautiful thing if that serves you; however you do not need anyone's approval to be who you are or do what you need to do for yourself.

I once had a client ask me "What do I do when nurturing myself is in direct conflict with another (their joy, their needs, etc) how do you resolve that? How do you balance that?"  My response to that is that "a direct conflict" between needs is an illusion unless it comes down to saving your life or your child's, period. If someone else wants you to go to a football game or concert or watch his/her kids, etc, and the voice inside you is saying, "No, I really would just love to stay home or do something else, etc," it is your job to listen to that voice and honor it, and it is the other person's job to decide how he/she wants to react to that choice. There is no such thing as needs being in conflict. I take care of me and you take care of you and loving each other means that we allow each other to be who we are--true unconditional love allows the freedom to pursue that which brings us joy. My happiness is not in conflict with your happiness. It is also not contingent upon your happiness. You can choose to tell a joyful story about your experience at any moment just as I can. Our happiness was meant to co-exist, not to depend on our take away from one another.  It is an illusion to think that if we pursue our own joy that someone else will be unhappy as a result of that choice. Others can react in an unhappy manner, but the beauty is that they get to choose their reaction just as we all do!  Let's choose joy, shall we?

So, honor those inner yes's and no's knowing that when you choose to be soulfish, you create the opportunity for your loved ones to authentically meet their own needs as well. Everybody wins when we take care of ourselves. Everybody. Imagine a world in which everyone fed their joy, a world in which everyone pursued that which made them happy instead of going around complaining about how unhappy everyone else is making them--there would be no need to hoard resources and wealth, create wars, cheat on our partners...the list could go on and on. By practicing soulfishness, you are one person closer to creating that world. Kind of cool to think that you can get the party started, huh?  

If you find yourself having conflict between choosing self and meeting the needs of others, I have a FREE JoyDiva™ Celebration call coming up on Thursday, October 27 at 7pm Central / 8pm Eastern that is perfect for you!  We are going to illuminate some of the ways that you can start identifying when you are being soulfish vs. selfish and what you can do about that to create more joy, confidence and thriving relationships in your life. Click here to sign up and get the details: http://eepurl.com/goExX

Love and Blessings to you!

Melissa Simonson
Founder & CEO of JoyDiva™
Own your worth. Own your wisdom.
CELEBRATE who you are! 

Ready to start cherishing yourself while actively creating more joy and confidence in your life? Claim your FREE Self-Love SuperStar Kit here:  www.joydiva.com

©2011 Melissa Simonson